Maybe I was Right

Isn’t it just great when life gets in the way of life? As usual, I have about ten million things to do. But, have I spent any of the last two hours writing papers, completing assignments, or studying for quizzes and tests? No. No I have not. I have spent them crying.

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For a while, I thought there was no point in trusting people or in developing friendships. After all, people are going to betray you, and they are going to rip apart relationships about the time you start to feel safe.

One of the many things that contributed to this cynical outlook was having six youth leaders leave in less than eighteen months. I also spent the first eighteen years of my life near a military base, and friends leaving for good was a common occurrence. In high school, I had a close “friend” that I trusted a lot ditch me with no warning and no communication. So, for a span of time I trusted no one. But, after around a year I was desperate for connection, so I tried mostly trusted one adult and spent time with her talking about various stuff. She was a mentor of sorts, and we still get together when I’m in the area. I gradually was able to return to having functional relationships with people a decent number of years older than me, but anyone within five or so years of my age was off limits; they were the ones who hurt me the worst.

Fast forward four or five years and I spent an hour and a half talking/bawling to a mentor about the close friend stabbing a knife into my heart, wiggling it around, and then driving over me with a bus that had snow chains on the tires. After that, I began trying to form a couple friendships with a few girls within two or three years of my age. It was super slow going, but after a year, I was reasonably close to them.

Jump another year or so forward and I begin my nursing prerequisites at college. I had a fairly miserable first year, and I knew no one. I made a couple acquaintances, but I didn’t have any friends at the end of the year. Last year, I started forming some relationships, and I got pretty close to a few people.

But was it any use?

The peer I got closest to doesn’t seem to even care that I exist anymore. I loved spending time with her last year, taking classes together, texting, etc., and now, we can be in the same room, and she doesn’t even acknowledge me; she’s too busy with someone else. Maybe I’m just not good enough for her.

I think of it this way: Milk chocolate is pretty good. It’s fairly yummy, and I don’t usually turn it down. However, if there is dark chocolate, there is no chance I’m taking the milk chocolate; I want the dark stuff all the way. (Reverse this analogy if you like milk chocolate better.) The friend chose me when I was what was around, she spent time with me when it was convenient. Now, however, she has dark chocolate, and she doesn’t even bother recognizing that I’m there. It hurts a lot, and I don’t like the wound it created that keeps on oozing blood. It’s painful, and it’s messy.

It’s been hard dealing with that the last five+ months, but I’ve made it. Then, today, I found out one of my close pals is leaving. I wouldn’t change the way she told me (and I’m so thankful she did), but it doesn’t make it not hurt. She brought smiles to my face many, many times both semesters last year, and continued to be a wonderful part of my life last semester. We’ve studied together and had lots of classes together, and she helped me start a Bible study and attended regularly. I am really glad she made the decision she made, and I’m excited for her, but I selfishly want her around because she makes my life better, and I love her dearly.

I cried almost as soon as she left earlier, and I’ve been crying off and on ever since. I cried my way through one class, and I cried a couple times before the next one. I’ve been crying off and on all evening too (after going about a week and a half without any tears).

For years and years, I spent a significant amount of time very afraid that relationships were going to crash and burn or be torn apart any second. I slowly started to not hold my breath so much, and I embraced a few friendships. But for what? To start bleeding again?

The relationship that is probably the most meaningful in my life right now scares me to death. I talked to my therapist about it multiple times last year and a time or two last fall as well. I haven’t run from it even though I am so very afraid, but I am scared that something will happen and I’ll lose it too.

I’m wondering if I should put my heart back in a metal box and lock it away? I don’t know how much more I can take. Maybe the wounded high school me was right.

Right now, I’m not sure if the dance was worth it. But, once the spurting bleeding stops, I’ll be able to remember amazing times, and hopefully there will be at least a few more. To the one leaving, I kinda hope you don’t read this, but if you do, know this: I do not blame you for my pain or for my tears. I’m proud of you for making the decision you made, and I cannot wait to see where you fly in the months and years ahead. I am incredibly thankful for you, and deep down I know that the dance was worth it.

It Won’t Always be Like This

Day one of my second semester of nursing school is in the books. I have about way too many assignments to count, but I got most of what needs to be done before tomorrow completed, and I needed to process a little bit and take a short break before doing the rest. Here, I wrote a letter to myself.

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Dear Tina,

You know it’s common for new things to be a challenge, especially the beginning of semesters. Getting overwhelmed and wanting to give up are your norm. I know you don’t understand why it’s like this, and you would change it if you could, but what you can do is be kind to yourself and put one foot in front of the other. If you have to go into five minute mode, that’s okay; don’t beat yourself up about it. Breathe in, breathe out, and do the next thing you can.

Yes, you were sick all of Christmas break minus the first four days. Yes, that sucks. Yes, you’re still slightly affected by influenza. Yes, it’s not fair to have had the amount of work due prior to the first day of the semester that your professors assigned. Yes, the same ol’ lies are rearing their ugly heads. But here’s the thing, you’ve come a long way in how you handle them, and even just in the last hour, you have spoken kindly to yourself a few times. Good job.

The fact that today kinda sucked isn’t just because you got an unknown viral infection followed by influenza A and separated ribs. It’s not just because of depression. It isn’t just because of anxiety. It is not simply because nursing school is hard. All of those are factors that contribute, but they’re merely pieces of a bigger picture. And, when a bunch of hard stuff is thrown at you all at once, it’s really not a surprise that it flattens you once in a while.

I know your brain is telling you that being alive isn’t worthwhile, but I disagree with it. I promise there will be enjoyable moments and good days again. I don’t know how long it will be before they come, and neither do you, but we both know that they will. It might be sudden, but it’ll probably be gradual. For now, go through the motions. I’m sorry that most things are new right now and the motions feel so clunky and difficult. All the classes are new, most of the classrooms are new, and some of the professors are new. That’s a lot of new without throwing in the drastically different schedule, the new portion of your job, the new classmates, and the new hairstyles and clothing. You might be a little mad at me for this, but what are some things you like in the newness? Wearing scrubs is pretty cool, right? When you first started your job, you were terrified, but now you love it, and chances are, this new part will be pretty good too.

Girl, the fact is, you aren’t the only one feeling too many feels right now. You aren’t the only one who feels overwhelmed. You aren’t the only one who feels like quitting. You have your share of unique struggles, but your peers do too. Reading four chapters and completing a worksheet about them before your 8am Monday class just sucks. Doing 6 online assignments before 9pm on Monday, that sucks too. Having your class assignments split between at least three different sites and not having professors put them all in a central location is certainly not ideal. However, if you think of it as an opportunity to practice organizing things, well, that might annoy you, so maybe don’t, but honestly, you can navigate this. You might need to ask for some help, but that’s more than okay.

You have some amazing classmates and some wonderful professors. This semester won’t be easy, but it will be worth it. You are a valuable human, and you are loved.

Yesterday was a little bleh, and today could have been better, but you got through them both. It won’t always be like this, and I know you can do this. I think deep down you know it too. Keep going ❤

Next Semester

Most of my textbooks (one of the other two is 1,784 pages though)

It’s hard to believe that just one week from today, my second semester of nursing school begins. Last semester gave a teaser of nursing knowledge with the classes Introduction to Nursing Professional Practice and Pathophysiology (which I loved), but we also had microbiology and a gen ed or two (or in my case, a psych class). This next semester will be a gazillion times more nursing specific. I’ll have four nursing courses and one psychology class. I’ll also be a teaching assistant for two science classes and leading a Bible study. I’m pretty sure I’m crazy.

My classes are:
Health Assessment—I think we’re all excited for this one

Nursing Fundamentals—This one is a two hour lecture once a week plus a five and a half hour lab once a week. Half way through the semester we will start clinicals. We’ll be in groups of 7 or 8 students with a professor. Our clinical sites for this class are long term care facilities in the cities surrounding the university.

Pharmacology—I think I’m more excited for this class than most of my peers, but I am definitely scared about the hundreds of medications we’ll be required to memorize.

Nursing Nutrition—I don’t think I’ve ever heard something good about a nutrition class, which is sad, but I’m trying to go into it open-minded. We have a new professor (relatively inexperienced and in her first year at our school), which adds some anxiety, but I met with her once last semester, and she’s nice. I’m going in liking the professor’s nutrition philosophy and hoping to learn a lot.

Grief and Loss—This is the psychology class I’m taking next semester.

Non-Class Commitments:
Teaching Assistant (TA):
Anatomy and Physiology Lab—I’ll be TAing most of one lab. I love being a TA, but I’m definitely nervous about this coming semester. I made sure I knew what my class schedule was before I filled out the professor’s application for TAing. 3 or 4 weeks after she chose TAs, one of my professors for next semester emailed me and said that she had changed the schedule for class—changed it so that I’ll be in class part of when I was scheduled to TA. So, I took half a day to cool down (yes, I was mad), and then replied and thanked the professor for letting me know. Then, I emailed the A&P professor and told her what had happened and that I totally understood if she wanted to have someone else TA the lab I was assigned since I couldn’t do the whole thing anymore, but if she wanted me to, I could come straight from class and show up a little ways in. She replied that she needed me and to just come as soon as I can. (I TA’d two labs of first semester last year and again this year, but I’ve never TA’d second semester lab because it didn’t work in my schedule last spring. AKA I know I can competently TA first semester labs, but I’m scared I won’t do well with second semester…)

Anatomy and Physiology Help Session—My school has something called help sessions for some of the science classes. They’re two hours long and run by students who have taken the class and done well. We open up the lab so that students can study the models if they want to. They can also ask us questions about things they don’t understand or have us quiz them. For A&P, we also write a 10 question quiz. We follow where they are in lecture and lab and write questions about that material. The students’ score on the quiz doesn’t matter—they come and take it, doing their best from memory, and then we grade it and give it back so they can find the answers to the ones they didn’t know. Then, we regrade it, and they get full points. Two during the first half of the semester and two the second half count toward their grade, and additional ones are optional. Lots of times help sessions also include encouraging students, being a listening ear for them, and giving hugs. (I TA’d a help session for first semester and second semester last year and for first semester this past fall.)

General, Organic, & Biological Chemistry Lab—This class is a year of gen chem, a year of O chem, and a year of bio chem condensed into one semester. It’s also specifically for nursing majors, which is nice. I took GOB last spring, and although it left me in tears a handful of times, I did well. I wasn’t planning to TA any of its labs because c’mon, I’m a nursing major and a psych minor, and I’m already TAing anatomy. Also, I enjoy anatomy a lot more than chemistry.
The GOB professor taught a different chem class in one of the classrooms where I had class last semester, and he often was still packing up when we went in. The end of November, he asked me if I had all my TA hours for next spring (we’re allowed a max of 10/week) and if I would be interested in TAing GOB. I had a pathophysiology exam in an hour and didn’t know my schedule for spring that well, plus, I didn’t want to answer hastily. So, I told him after my patho exam I would look at my schedule and email him.
When I emailed him later that day, I didn’t give an answer. I told him that it did work with my schedule, but basically that I wasn’t sure if I should or not. I concluded with “I’m leaning toward saying yes, but I also don’t want to bite off more than I can chew, if that makes sense… When you were in school, how did you decide how much to take on—when to go for it and when to say no?” His reply was helpful, and he explained a little more about the position. It will be much less intense and involved than TAing A&P, which is good. I wound up agreeing to TA one lab (after spending a significant amount of time over the span of 24 hours praying about it), so we’ll see how that goes.

Bible Study Leader—I am looking forward to how God will continue using our cohort Bible study to bring us closer to Him and to each other. However, I’m also still not in love with being the leader. (I wrote about starting this Bible study in my last post) Right now, we’re trying to figure out when to meet, but there’s something for one of the classes all of us are in that hasn’t been nailed down yet, so it’s a waiting game. We also have to figure out where to meet since our location from last semester doesn’t work for next semester.

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So, that’s what my second semester of nursing school looks like from seven days beforehand. I’ve been nervous about it since, well, since every time I think about it. I’ve been doubting my decision to TA an A&P lab, an A&P help session, and a GOB lab on top of everything else, but I spent time praying about all these decisions, and they weren’t mine. Sometimes you have to think about the big picture, and sometimes the big picture is way too overwhelming. Even the things I need to do before heading back to school are overwhelming, so I’ve got my to-do list, and I’m taking it one thing at a time.

Two days ago, I was reading a devotional in the book Embraced by Lysa Terkeurst that a friend gave me for Christmas, and it was on point. It was called “Is This the Right Decision?” Part of it read, “We have a decision to make and we have that deep-down knowing. We know what to do. We know what the answer is. But we don’t go with that knowing. We overprocess the what-ifs and the maybes” (p. 16). I know the decisions I made are the right ones, but I’ve been over-processing to the max and asking a lot of what-ifs.

I am the girl who has struggled with school her entire life—beginning in elementary school. I am the girl who has used the word hate about school way too many times. I am the girl who took 12 credits one semester and barely stayed afloat. I am the girl in nursing school who is taking 14 credits, TAing two classes, and leading a Bible study and scared to death about every one of those things. I am the girl who is going to do her very best each day knowing that her best looks different than her peers’ best and that is okay. I am the girl who knows God has never let her down in the past and that He’s not going to now.

A Terrifying Yes

I kept thinking it would be cool to have a Bible study with some of the people in my nursing cohort.

All 52 of us are used to getting good grades—we’ve spent our whole lives achieving. We have a handful of athletes competing at the college level. We’re known by our friends and family as caring and compassionate people. The list of good things about us goes on. It’s easy to find our identity in those things (especially the grades). Now, we’re nursing students too—definitely something we’re proud of—and we got pretty gosh darn excited when we found out that our alphabet soup has begun: we can now sign SN after our names (student nurse).

As amazing it is to be student nurses, and as hard as we’ve worked to get here, it’s easy to start identifying ourselves solely as that and looking for our worth in how we’re performing. However, nursing isn’t our identity. It is a tool God is giving us. We’re God’s children first, and out of who we are in Him, we have the privilege to study and become nurses.

After a couple weeks of having the idea floating in my head about how cool it would be to have a Bible study focused on looking at what the Bible says about who we are and being able to wrestle through identity challenges with others in the cohort, I casually mentioned it to one of my nursing professors (I think I’ll call this one Professor Energy). She got really excited. She also told me that from conversations with a number of us, she got the feeling that a large portion of us struggle with identity. She challenged and encouraged me to get something going.

Honestly, I didn’t really want to start a Bible study—I wanted someone else to. I didn’t know how, and I am sure there are people in my cohort who are far more qualified than me. But, God kept whispering to me…

After the nudge from Professor Energy, I decided I’d find out if any of my classmates would be interested. I created a survey and sent it out. 28 of the students in my cohort replied that they were interested. My thought, “CRAP! I guess I have to do something.” I talked to one of my other nursing professors (who I’m going to call Professor Faith) after class a day or two later asking for guidance, I emailed Professor Blessing and asked for her advice, I talked to one of the pastors at my church after service the following Sunday, and I emailed our three campus pastors seeking input.

In the survey I sent to my peers, I had included a question asking if anyone would be interested in being co-leaders, and 3 people agreed. We met and spent 2 hours brainstorming, chatting, and praying. To start our meeting I confessed to them that, “I’ve never led a Bible study, and I’ve never wanted to, including right now.” The meeting went well, and the following week we began. Due to scheduling conflicts and a difference between interest and commitment, there were 8 of us the first week, which was a pretty consistent number going forward. (I was relieved it wasn’t over 20 people!)

We decided we wanted something
a) that required no homework
b) that didn’t cost money
c) straight from the Bible (not a pre-written curriculum)
d) addressing the topic of our identity in some way

We decided on going through Daniel and 2 Corinthians simultaneously. At the beginning, we read that week’s chapter of Daniel, and then we discuss what stood out to each of us. Then, we do the same with 2 Cor. After that, we talk about what we see God’s character to be and what who God is says about our identity. Once we’ve discussed these (usually quite in depth), we do this thing that we call a rose, a thorn, and a stem. It’s one good thing from our week, one hard thing from our week, and a way that we saw God that week. We let the prayer requests flow with that stuff as we go around, and then we pray for each other. On multiple occasions, we’ve accidentally gone for more than two hours.

Our very first week was spent getting to know one another and praying. Earlier that day as I was praying in preparation for it, I sensed God handing me the words real, vulnerable, and authentic to share with the group. I find those things hard to bring up (but to be fair, I have a hard time bringing up a lot of things), and I asked God if He was sure those were the right words. He assured me that they were. At the very beginning, I shared what God had put on my heart about our time being characterized by authenticity and whatnot. It was received well, and each and every week has been so amazing! I’ve only been part of a handful of Bible studies, but none have come even close to the depth that we have going. I’ve been blown away by the individuals who come and by how God shows up big every week. This Bible study has been terrifying, but it’s been an enormous blessing as well.